I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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