Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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