I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
