Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
