I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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