The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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