saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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