She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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