you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Every concussion has its silver lining
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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