My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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