WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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