you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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