Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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