So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Randomize
