Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
