she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
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She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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