im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
my god I love twenty year old dicks
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
