I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Your penis caused this!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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