your parents love me but you hate me
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
