you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
