Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
