the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
