my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
