I look better un-naked...
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
