I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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