how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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