I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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