Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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