I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
