I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
someone owes me an orgasm
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
What a dumb baby whore.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
