why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
