I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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