I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
