i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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