happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
