anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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