after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
