You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
