She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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