That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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