so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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