I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
