apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
