I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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