You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
