At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
