already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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