She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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