Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
