me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
