People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
