i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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