If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize