Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
